Losing Control
by cuter-than-a-guinea-pig
Summary: Kurt and Blaine talking about what happened to Dave. I Hope I did this justice and I hope you like it!


**A/N: Hi everyone. So this is just a little something I thought up after that heart wrenching episode. Max and Chris were simply flawless. I don't know how they do it. Anyways I hope you enjoy this, it's a little more angsty than I'm used too but it's hard to write fluff after that. Hope you like it, let me know!  
>Lessthanthree<br>Katie**

It was too much. His head spun from all the cheers and applause and shouts of congrats. He felt so lost and out of place with nothing to grab. It wasn't the first time he'd felt like that but it had been a while. He could feel his own breath starting to choke him and his eyes began to drown themselves in their salty tears. He couldn't see the crowd anymore, only a grey sheath of hazy despair. He didn't have the mind to blink it away though. He didn't have a mind to do anything but shake in quiet silence at the guilt and fear and utter sadness and hopelessness the crawled relentlessly into his abused heart.

"_Kurt?"_

He felt a hand slip into his and pull. The hand was warm and fit familiarly and comfortably into his own. He tightened his grip as he followed the guiding hand blindly, desperate from some relief from the win, the crowd, the situation, his mind. The hand pulled him out of the glare of the stage lights and into a pair of strong arms. He gripped tight to the welcoming body before him. It was an even better hold than the hand.

"_Kurt? What's wrong?"_

Everything. Everything was wrong. Everything was horribly, horribly wrong. He broke then. He blinked away the sheath and once that first drop fell, the whole dam fell. He didn't know why it happened then. Maybe it was seeing everybody so happy so soon, maybe it was having those few hundred people in the audience staring him down, maybe there wasn't a reason at all, maybe these things just happen when they happen, maybe it was the safe feeling of being wrapped securely in his boyfriends arms.

Wait, no, they can't do this here, not in school. The security vanished almost instantaneously, the anxiety and fear and tension replacing in in an almost menacing way. It was sad that it felt so familiar, a taunting welcome home. He pushed away from the boy in front of him, wrapping his own arms around his body in a futile attempt to mimic what should have been.

"_Kurt? KK, come here."_

"_N-no."_

"_You're scaring me Kurt."_

"_You can't hug me at school."_

"_Kurt, it's Saturday. We're backstage; no one's going to see."_

"_No. W-we can't get c-comfortable. You heard what those m-monsters did to his locker. Blaine I c-can't, I just can't."_

"_Come on; let's go out to my car."_

Honestly, he didn't remember the walk out to the car. The only think he could focus on was his boyfriend's hand in his. The way it had always been, a beacon of light and hope, guiding him to a place of acceptance and understanding and companionship. The press of his palm and the curl of his guitar calloused fingers hadn't changed since that day on the Dalton steps. It was something Kurt could count on. Sometimes he needed to count on it.

"_Shhhh, you're ok. I've got you, KK."_

He let himself press back into his boyfriend now that they were safe, tucked away in the backseat of his car, away from the judgment and the hate and the ignorance. He let his tears soak Blaine's black button up because there was nothing else to do with them. There was also no one who would honour them so. The tight squeeze that returned around his body was almost too tight but Kurt didn't mind. Somewhere, he hoped that Blaine could squeeze all the pain away because it hurt. It hurt so badly.

"_Why are you so upset, KK?"_

"_B-because I feel like this is m-my fault."_

"_What?"_

"_He was calling me, Blaine. I ignored them because I was afraid that he didn't get it and that he was going to ask me out again. I didn't know how to handle that, I was a little scared, so I just ignored it. I should have known something had happened. Some idiot saw us on Valentine's Day and I should have known he would have spread it. He even called me the day he did it. While you were goofing around on the piano in the choir room with Mike and Tina, he called and I ignored it."_

"_Kurt…"_

"_No, I know what you're going to say but Blaine, how would you have felt if you didn't answer my call the day he kissed me? Do you know how panicked I was before you picked up? I was pacing, I couldn't sit still, I couldn't focus on anything or put a single straight thought through my head. I could barely breathe. Every inhale felt poisonous. My hands were shaking and I was sweaty and dizzy and my skin was just crawling with dirt and shame and disgust. I was just so utterly lost with nothing to hold onto. It felt like the only thing I had left, had been stripped from me and I was nothing. I was so scared Blaine. I was so scared of what my own life had turned out to be and I couldn't handle it. You answered though. You picked the green button instead of the red one and….I don't even know, your words, your voice, your general concern and understanding gave me something to hold again. Even after you hung up, I clutched to my phone like it was my last life line. It didn't leave my hand until I met you in the parking lot the next day. We had only ever talked for maybe half an hour but you still answered. I went to elementary school with Dave. We were never friends but I've known who he was since I was six and I knew he was having a rough time and I-I just ignored him because I didn't have the courage to face him."_

"_It's not your fault, Kurt. You don't owe him anything. The fact that you care so much about him is incredible and it's one of the many reasons I love you but Kurt, you can't beat yourself up over this."_

"_You would have."_

"_Yeah, I would have. It doesn't mean I should have though."_

"_I have to talk to him, Blaine. I need to be there for him. I told him I wanted to be friends and I need to start acting like one."_

"_I'll drive you."_

"_What?"_

"_We'll go right now, before the wedding. I'll drive you. I would have done the same thing."_

"_Thank-you."_

"_You're welcome, KK."_

"_I mean for everything."_

"_I know."_

He wiped the tears from his eyes, seeing the world clearly once more. The calm and peace resettled around him. He could do this. He may not be able to change that past but he could change the future. He could make sure Dave knew he wasn't alone in this. He could give Dave a hold the way Blaine had given him one and then maybe, maybe the other boy would be ok.

"_Kurt? You never got there, did you?"_

"_No, but you know…"_

"_Yeah, I get it. I love you KK."_

"_I love you too."_


End file.
